Depression is a tar pit. You wander around, and by the sheer chance, weighted by genetics,
you find yourself in the sticky stuff. Not only is it harder to move, but it is also harder to think
as you are subjected to a different kind of agony that can only be known by the people that
have been there… repeatedly. And I say repeatedly because it’s easy to forget how terrible it
is when you aren’t stuck. Even coming out of the goo, you wonder what exactly was wrong in
the first place — what exactly was it that made suicide the seductive option? The answer,
unfortunately, is an unmitigated and hollow nothing. There is no answer that will suffice for the
rational mind that demands a linear story. Depression is and nothing more than present
misery.
I’ve found myself hunkered down while a war rages on. I’ve grown accustomed to the bits of
dirt shaken loose from the bombs as I wait out the invader. Yet, as I am here, I realize I am
only delaying what will inevitably happen. The war will take me or i will die of something else,
but the end is the same. And pro-lifers argue fighting for fighting’s sake with little regard to
rebuilding since quality of life isn’t important so long as you live until death takes you naturally.
Their reason ends at life because it is easier to triage those on the brink than juggle the
millions more with a myriad of diagnoses still not understood. Their fight is simple because
they are pushed by their survival instinct on the battlefield, and when their tour is done, they
go home, and I stay here and wait for the next invasion.
I’m aware of the cycle and the nuances specific to me, and I have chosen to divorce myself
from those that try to engage me on the subject. No-one is more an expert than I am at this
point and the unwanted interaction from those that care does violence to the process and
keeps me stuck in the pit. I have my time and I eventually come out clean. I don’t turn around
anymore to see it because I know it’s not there. It disappeared, somewhere, and I won’t find it
again until I’m in it.
As for the reason as to why I’m still here… I don’t know. But it is something I get to determine for myself.
I am me 