Category Archives: Uncategorized

Diary: Better than Me

I remember a turning point in my mid-twenties where I was in the presence of someone I came to realize was better than me. What I felt wasn’t jealousy, it never was, and wasn’t even close. It was more like realizing in this dark universe that there are those that exist as nothing more than proof that there is good out there. I was fortunate enough to date them for a time and to fall in love and to be in love even though it wasn’t mutual and still know they are better suited for someone else. It didn’t help that she was taller than me, so she always seemed to slouch a bit to compensate… someone as great as she was (and I hope still is) deserves to stand tall.

For some reason, it’s almost easier to explore those painful experiences because the details are salient and concrete. Those good experiences, however — the good people that exist and their influence is harder to quantify. It’s almost as if describing the good directly is the wrong thing to do. Rather, it is best to describe the outline of good because the brightness at center is too much such that its impossible to gaze upon. You can’t look at what glows directly because it will blind you, but indirectly is a space of words that in some small measure point to the idea of good.

So here I am with my meager attempt, that the existence of you who is better than me moves me.

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Old love letters…

40 minutes a day, the sun’s altitude lends itself to the trees and the stone, and carves deeper shadows, and mixes richer colors. 20 minutes at dawn and 20 at dusk, the sun does this. And at that time, there is this mystical union with something that, by all accounts, should not exist. 40 minutes out of 1440. Somehow, your presence and existence in my life extends that 40 minutes into the 1400.

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On Poetry

A silver wire frayed
From my hair as
I washed my hands
With my reflection
Today.

Time is coming and
Time is going.
But somehow I stay here
Waiting
For my time.

Such is the undertaking of
A project in years.

I tell them that
I am two-thirds done
After two years of work.
It seems that way,
I think.

Then the followup question:
What is it about?
As if it’s some tattoo,
And then the answer

Then there is the true answer:
The plot is secondary.

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Writing Prompt: There was no word for ‘blue’ in Ancient Greece

At the cliff’s edge, on the mountain pass, beneath the bronze sky, and over the wine dark sea was Empedocles. He stood over his students like some grand idea of a god as he spoke with his stentorian voice over the wind. The four roots, he would say, are in everything. And differing degrees of each made up the variety in the universe, even the colors: light, dark, red, and yellow.

Empedocles’ voice echoed through the pass, past the soldiers leading the merchants, and to the piqued ears of the dye-master’s apprentice who was learning the secrets of the universe through the secrets of color. The apprentice slowed his cart to listen to Empedocles purvey his truth to the masses, but as he did so, he noticed the alchemy of Empedocles’ words narrowing his perception. And for a second, there was no hue, but only shade — only values between red and yellow.

He has the philosopher’s disease, the master said. And with that, the apprentice remembered his master’s riddle and said it as a focus to remember: you cannot perceive what does not have a name, but if it does not have a name, how do you come perceive it? And he looked at the soldiers and saw their bronze armor and compared it to the sky, and they were different. And he looked at the glaziers behind him with their clear bottles of wine and compared them to the ocean until liberation. Still though, the apprentice wondered how such a stout view could have such an affect

And he raked the cloth in the dye-vat, the brown liquid penetrating between the warp and weft, his movements automatic as he kneaded the fabric — turn and fold, turn and fold. The apprentice sunk in meditation with the repetition. He fell further in the emptiness of thought where things and no-things do not exist in the unconditioned mind — his own view falling away. And turn and fold, and careless as his arm knocked against the lye and the powder fell into the swirling brown liquid.

The apprentice startled himself out of his meditation and he looked down at the dye still swirling. He squinted. And veins of a color appeared that he had never seen before. At first it seemed light and yellow, but that wasn’t it. It almost had the hue of the grass, but darker. And it was rich in color with a depth of wine. And then he saw it for what it was and exclaimed with excitement: Master! Master!

And the apprentice put his hands in the dye, and they tingled from the burn, but he didn’t care as he marveled. He sloshed the water like a child in discovery. But it was fading, just slightly. He reached his arm in to stir the pure color, but that hastened the color’s muteness. And he stuck his arm in deep and stirred violently, but the more the water splashed, the faster it died until it returned to the color of that loamy brown.

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Kissed on the lips by a Libra

Kissed on the lips by a Libra; I saw it once. The painting was of a knight kneeling at the feet of Christ on the cross. And Christ leaned down and kissed this man. I don’t remember the title but it was Pre-Raphaelite.

The painting cultivated some vivid emotion from deep down but it went away as if I drew my name in the sand at high tide.

How did he do that? — The artist, I mean — The knight was worn, nearly forgotten, bloody-bruised. And Christ kissed him softly. I can’t help but think of the archetypical man, a boy scout in some manner: the knight in front of Christ, the Libra, the ultimate judge; and then the gesture.

Reincarnation

I could live in Ireland… somewhere near Cork. I could have some out of the way shack where the postman doesn’t deliver mail to my house because of a number but because he knows my name; Aiden Cawley. I would fill my stove with moss and keep myself warm during the cold months but during the summer on the 67th straight day of dark clouds and rain, I would make my way out to the city and see some semblance of my memories as a young man moving away from home and finding myself the first time. I would be at a pub, and the 3rd round would be mine before leaving.

I would go home, smoke my pipe, listen to the radio interview of the 15th Dalai Lama speaking of her childhood in the country I forgot. And at some point, during the night, in front of the fire that is burning wood for the special occasion (because I like to listen to the pops and crackles) I would stop breathing in my sleep. Then all those things I was supposed to forget will come back, (not that I ever really forgot them, but that’s my secret), and I would look down with childish curiosity and pick again which experience, from start to finish, mapped out completely, will be mine. And the veil will fall again, and I will forget.

I think i would like to be a woman next time, born into an agnostic and intellectual family only to see if Tiresias was right.

And I will be curious, with thick socks and boots and a backpack as I discover for myself what others have already penned to paper.