I pulled some golden beets out of the ground earlier today and then watered the San Marzano Tomato plants that were a gift from a friend. And then I sat while my partner played with the dog and did other chores. It’s part of the summer routine for the time being until things pick up again, whatever that means — but whatever it means seems to fit.
Life has been this strange ride that I’m still getting a handle on. There is this peace and quiet that I’ve somehow managed to accumulate in my life. There are the flowers and the bees and the little animals that fly or scurry about, and these things are my focus. Back then, though… one of my high school math teachers got upset with me because, I think, I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t know. I was sitting in the back of the classroom and silent and he called me to stand in the front of the class and asked me why I was “here,” which is how he put it. In all likelihood, I was dissociating as I was dealing with something I absolutely couldn’t wrap my mind around. Years later, and I’m still shocked. Back then, however… I didn’t even have a clue as to how dysfunctional or serious things were. But I do remember that teacher telling me how things would be so much harder when I got older. I look at my life — my life the past ten years — and I can say that teacher was full of shit. It’s not his fault, though. He just didn’t know how bad things were. Neither did I.
I sometimes wonder what my life would be like had I been born into another family. I wonder this because there is this acquaintance that has a twin. But one was adopted to another family while the other stayed with the birth parents. The one that was adopted has an amazing life and career and is well accomplished while the other that stayed with their birth parents is… a product of their environment, which puts it lightly.
All in all, and considering the circumstances of my life, I seem to have turned out alright despite every fucked up experience. I’m so absurdly lucky. And I think it is that luck that I am still trying to process.
I am me 